FIAT Agrees To $9 Billion Buyout

"Steven Lang" (StevenLang)
05/13/2016 at 15:00 • Filed to: None

After shopping the company to every car company that has a pulse (and Suzuki), FIAT-Chrysler, better known to short sellers on the New York Stock Exchange as, “The F’n Cow” (NYSE: FCAU), has finally agreed to a buyout.

The price will be $9 billion. Or $3 billion for every Alfa-Romeo that eventually makes it to the United States.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

The terms are the following

$6.5 billion for the Jeep brand along with all associated plant, equipment, and Trail-Rated badges.

$3.8 billion for RAM.

$700 million for Chrysler. Mainly because of the Pacifica and the 300.

Unfortunately FIAT did have to pay to get rid of the following properties.

$1.7 billion to liquidate the FIAT brand. This will include a public apology for releasing the 500L, the 500X, and for calling all their dealerships studios.

$299.99 million for continuously pushing back the return of Alfa-Romeo. An annual tradition which apparently !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

$10,000 in surplus sweaters that were ordered by FIAT’s prior CEO, Sergio Maraschino.

The company has been bought out by this guy.

When asked what he plans to do to help turn around the company, Iacocca took a big puff on his cigar and said,

“Well, first we’re going to start by offering a free Landau roof on every FIAT 500. Then we’re going to sell nothing but trucks, SUVs, and crossovers going forward because who the hell wants to buy a car these days?

The new Chrysler Pacifica will be sold as a stretched RV model that will be the world’s first front-wheel-drive recreational vehicle. We’re going to call it the Californian in honor of its main target market. It will come with 24 speakers, two toilets, and a meth lab.”

Finally, the RAM will have a V6 diesel engine built by Cummins. The new model, called the RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG will also come standard with an extra large ashtray, truck nuts, and a megaphone that will blare out two types of music : country and western. We believe that this new model will easily outsell the entire Cadillac line within a year.

DISCUSSION (27)

MUSASHI66 > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 15:13

You actually had me going ...

Biggus Dickus (RevsBro) > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 15:16

I actually went and checked the Wall Street Journal before I realized this was satire.

RallyWrench > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 15:17

Seems legit.

Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 15:21

I would like to say... there is already a FWD motorhome.. and it was built by GM!

The GMC Motorhome. ALL SORTS of wrong here. Like a FWD big block based on a heavier version of the oldsmobile toronado transaxle...

Kinja'd!!!

xyzabc > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 16:07

Payment was made in small, unmarked Bills left in the trunk of a 300.

Brian, The Life of > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 16:39

I swallowed this hook, line, and sinker until ...

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Because ...

Kinja'd!!!

;)

Brian, The Life of > Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu
05/13/2016 at 16:40

Whoa. That one has been ... enhanced. Cool!

Reece-Current Stinger GT owner > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 16:41

Lost it at “ RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG”

Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu > Brian, The Life of
05/13/2016 at 16:52

Kinja'd!!!

There is a bit of a community around them, for sure.

Brian, The Life of > Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu
05/13/2016 at 17:01

HNNNGG!

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu
05/13/2016 at 18:07

Was just about to mention that.

And apparently these have a bit of a following...

Nimbus The Legend - Riding on air like a cloud > Biggus Dickus (RevsBro)
05/13/2016 at 18:47

ditto!

I almost busted out the calculator, and then i saw the sweaters... LOL

smobgirl > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/13/2016 at 19:01

Yup, we had one when I was a kid (Dad still has it). It was actually pretty fantastic.

vdubyajohn > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 19:11

You had me believing until the very first 2 terms added up to more than 9 billion. Nice one!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu
05/13/2016 at 21:57

Those things have a FANATICAL following. Seriously. YOu should check it out.

JR1 > Steven Lang
05/13/2016 at 23:10

You had me going but then I saw you forgot Maserati and began to be suspicious

dsigned001 - O.R.C. hunter > Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu
05/14/2016 at 11:29

Thou shalt not disrespect the GMC motorhome.

James Katt > Steven Lang
05/14/2016 at 22:08

April Fools?

MrPseudonym > Steven Lang
05/15/2016 at 13:04

At first I was thinking, ‘Wait, Lee Iacocca? This is a dream!’

Then I realized, ‘Wait, this is a dream! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’

Markiteight > Steven Lang
05/15/2016 at 21:09

Finely? FINELY?! Seriously...to all publications both print and internet based, PLEASE make sure your writers are not Hukd one Fonikz before hiring them! Thankyouverymuch.